This is somewhat related to another post but wanted to start a new thread to avoid hijacking that one. I had sort of a breakthrough in marriage counseling yesterday and am trying to process it. I think it's easiest if I just post an anonymized portion of what I sent to my (individual) T about that part of the appointment. Warning: Long!!! I bolded the key parts if you don't feel like reading it all!

Background: This conversation came about from my texting my marriage counselor (MC) at 3 a.m. Saturday while sitting alone on the beach, during a vacation with my husband (H), daughter, and parents. I was telling him how I just felt lonely and wished I could talk to him. I have strong transference for MC and just feel very emotionally connected to him, like more connected than I've felt with anyone for a long time. MC sent me a very kind response the next day, including the fact that I'm not alone because I have H. I told H about the texts, he's seen them (he knows about transference, as does MC). In my response to MC's text, I said that I still often have trouble reaching out to H. So that's where this part starts from:

"Conversation turned to the fact that I had trouble reaching out to H. MC said he thought, particularly in the last 6 months, that H had responded well whenever I opened up to him, so he was wondering why I had trouble opening up to him. I was like, "Well, yes, from the outside, from what we said, it would seem that way. But you're not in my head." MC asked if I believed from what H said that H loved and cared about me. I said, yes, but...I still felt like I wasn't getting something I needed. I said what T and I'd talked about, how I felt like I wasn't feeling the compassion and empathy that I wanted. Like H would say something, like "you'll be ok," but I wasn't feeling the compassion behind the words....

MC said he wondered if it was whether H felt empathy or whether it was just that he wasn't good at communicating it. I said that I couldn't know for sure but just wasn't getting the feeling from him. Around there, I also said that the reason I reached out to MC was that he's someone who does provide the empathy and compassion and that they seem to come naturally to him. But he said much of that was training (or at least in his ability to communicate it) and lots of practice. And about how it's easier for him to be that way with patients, because when he's that way with his family, he's also making himself vulnerable.

MC said the thing he'd said before about how no one is perfect and can't necessarily meet all needs. I said that this was a really important need for me, and started crying. I said sometimes I wondered if I needed to be with someone who does meet those needs (and had been a couple times in the past).

He asked what H was thinking, and H said he got the sense I was inching my way toward the door. And seemed (rightfully) bothered by it, but not like emotional really, like not crying or anything. Seemed more angry than anything, but he may not have wanted to show he was vulnerable. I wasn't sure what to say to that, because I couldn't be like, "It's definitely not that!" MC said he understood that fear.

I then said that I also wondered if some of this, at least in the past 6-8 months, was due to the depression and anxiety, plus the medications I'd been on. I said I didn't know if this was just something with me, that if I could figure all that out, then maybe I wouldn't have the same need or be feeling this way about H. And that I knew I had to work with T and p-doc on that. H said I wasn't necessarily acting outwardly depressed, like I wasn't sitting on the couch crying. I said that I tended to do that in my car, on the couch after he'd gone to bed, in the shower, or in your office. So maybe I need to be better about telling him what I'm feeling? Though I don't want to have to be like, "So, I'm feeling depressed (and/or anxious) today!" all the time.

Then MC had a look of realization and asked me, "Does it kind of feel like there's a void in you that needs to be filled? Like more stuff from the past, not just right now?" And I thought for a second and said that it did. He said what he was going to say might be harsh (it wasn't!), but that I wouldn't be expected to do this without support (like of H, T, and MC). But that I needed to figure out how to deal with/fill the void myself, because no one else would be able to fill it for me. Because it's from the past. He mentioned here how he'd said before how he didn't want to just keep reassuring me, like through individual sessions, because it would never be enough. (He also admitted he didn't exactly explain that very well at the time.) So that's something I should work on with T."

I keep thinking about this "void" and how it's probably affected so many of my relationships, especially romantic ones (I did a lot of dating before marrying H 7 years ago). And probably friendships too. I think for me it's related to not getting my emotional needs met as a kid/teen (I've discussed a bit of this in therapy).

I assume some of you on here have dealt with this sort of void. How has therapy helped you (or not helped you) with that? What are some directions I could go in? Would be mainly with individual T, but probably some discussion in MC too. Thanks!