Pink ~ I'm sorry you're struggling so hard right now. I don't have a whole lot of words of wisdome, but I experienced something similar a while back. When it got down to brass tacks, what it was really about was my terrible fear that he'd find out what a horrible person I really was (lack of housework when depressed, bad mom when depressed, etc) and LEAVE ME. Even though he constantly reassured me he wouldn't, I had to figure it out on my own. I call it my "self sabotage program."

Holding you in good thoughts today my love.