Thanks for asking questions, I´m only grateful if I can get some clues to why I feel this way.

Yes, I get aroused and I´m capable of pleasing myself. I don´t have any problems with that and I think I´m fairly normal when it comes to those parts of my sexuality.

How do you think around this being a self-esteem issue?

You are right about that I to some extent fear intimacy and also letting my guard down. I don´t have any specific answers to why as I can´t remember any certain situation that could have made me feel what I feel about sex.

But in a broader perspective I see alienation in my youth, not having many friends could contribute to this feeling perhaps. Also that my parents split up and my mother talked negatively about sex. Not often but perhaps two or three times, like "being there for my father but not feeling she really wanted". It was though never any violent situations or such.

I got a bit worried and sad when reading that this will need a lot of work as I can´t afford paying for several years in therapy and I won´t get that through the public health care either.