I think about how insignificant I probably am to you yet the reverse isn't true. You are the only reason why I do some of the things that I do. I think about when you disappear from my life... If I think like I do now I will see no reason to behave anymore. One might think that I would stay clean, for instance, because it's better for me or at least because that's what you would've wanted. No. I imagine that if you leave me while I'm still sick in the head, all Hell would break loose.

I also know that I should stay clean for me. I should try living a better life for me. Not hurt myself or worse for me but I don't do anything like that for me because I don't like me. The last time this type of subject came up you were well aware that I do what I do for you but I see no reason to remind you because it would feel like emotional blackmail.

It was just a thought I had. The thought that I hope that you can wait to retire a little bit longer because if I hate myself like I do now when you go... Well I don't want to repeat myself.