i feel stupid for not having posted this before, but i am gay... and i am totally in love in my therapist.... i mean she is my fantasy woman... by sheer coincidence... i think she wants to put it all down to transference or whatever ya know... but by some weird twist of fate i have ended up with a therapist who embodies my wildest fantasies...

i am 33 she is 53... the ultimate sexy older woman... self assured, successful... beautiful beyond words... sex, attraction, is something i avoid talking about, i have no good reason for that... but this week she has pushed it... she knows i love her... am totally in love with her... and its been a major source of comfort that she seems to accept that... she says she is lucky to have my love... that she respects that... and will look after my feelings....

but what i have a hard time conveying to her is what it feels like to love someone who is, in cold hard reality, completely out of reach... we had a great session yesterday... we felt so close... and i know she thinks that i will go away feeling positive and uplifted... and i do... but what i find the hardest to explain... is that loving someone who is always going to be out of your reach... hurts... its hurts like hell...

in the 3 years i have been seeing T i haven’t given a great deal of thought to her husband... her other half, the one she gets to “go home to”... but today i have been a jealous wreck... on Wednesday i told her i wanted to take her out to dinner... “and then what?” she said “we might end up in bed” i said...

she always upholds her professional boundaries... but she does it in a sensitive and caring way... she understands my loneliness... my love for her... and i appreciate her understanding more than i can say... but at the end of the day... here i am, alone... and there she is... with him... it kills me...

how do you get past that?? how do you have this person in your life from whom you want everything... and yet can have nothing.... physically... when i feel this much emotional pain i want T to be there... to wrap me up in her arms and make the pain go away... and yet she is the cause of this pain... i feel so confused... i hate that i have let myself get this attached... that now whatever happens she will break my heart...

some days i can just be grateful to have her in my life... and others i wonder what the hell i am doing??? it feels like the most impossible situation... i know that being in love with your T is not unusual... do any of you feel this way?? and how do you handle it? day after day, week after week...? i feel lost tonight... therapy sure is hard... but i wouldn’t give it up for anything... crazy...???