Nikki you sound just like me! The feelings you are having are ones I have so struggled with in therapy. From what I understand others sometimes have this struggle but to varying degrees. I have found it absolutely brutal and wrenching and devastating to sit in front of this T week after week, loving him as much as I do, knowing he'll never be mine. NEVER. Sometimes I almost hate him because he gets all this love from us patients (and his wife, etc.) and I am so alone and probably always will be. He represents everything my heart aches for but probably will never have.
But it is not his "fault". This is what therapy does ... in the therapeutic relationship our most central, our deepest, soul and heart and mind wounds are laid bare. The pain is intense and we crave the comfort of our T to help us cope with it. We see T as being the ONE who will finally love and heal us. We have been waiting all of our lifetime for this ...
But T cannot do more than be a holding, caring environment in which we experience (and decide what to do with) the most profound pain we know. That pain has been warping us in our lives for so long. Therapy brings it to a head so it cannot be ignored and not dealt with anymore. Sometimes I feel that if more therapy patients knew this they would not ever start therapy at all! It is a daunting but oh so worthwhile process and task though! It feels like agony sometimes and other times it feels like ecstasy. Not for the faint of heart! Sometimes i swear I just cannot do it anymore. ((((Nikki)))