I self harmed for the first time because I desperately couldn't face work. I don't know if it was depression & total lack of interest, because I had started to have thoughts of suicide just for, in my mind, being forced to live a life of work & drudgery. Or maybe it was anxiety, the dread of facing work because I had started to lose all faith in myself. I just didn't know how to feel, I became agitated & sobbing, I told my boyfriend I wanted to sell our house & run away to Europe so I could spend all the money on drugs & partying. I was too scared to call in sick to work. I was taking enough sick leave & being difficult enough, I knew not to push my luck. Also, my boyfriend was not very understanding, he couldn't understand why I was so unhappy & couldn't just suck it up & go to work without making a drama. He just felt like it was his fault & it scared him. So I used a Stanley blade to make superficial cuts to my wrist. I felt like I was losing control. I knew what I was doing but for some reason did it anyway. I think it could almost have been an expression of anger. Anger I'm often too scared to direct at others, sometimes it's easier to direct it on yourself. A physical expression of frustration & anger & pain. Similar to that of not eating, but that's for another thread.