Thank you all for ur advice.
Yes my Dom was toxic & I needed to get away from him. It would be very easy to slip back to under his hand but I know I'd end up feeling the same way. It's been very hard to be away from him.
My bdsm community is extremely small & clicky. I was snubbed there & my Dom was asked not to return after one meeting. We both felt that we posed a threat to the group bec we were both married. I haven't been back since February & no one has asked me to return. There's no friends there.
My hubby does nothing in the way if aftercare, never has. On & off. That's all there is. My marriage has been suffering for a long time which ultimately led me to cheating but I stay for my kids.
I'm still extremely depressed & nervous it'll get worse as we head into the winter months. No I don't wanto return to drugs. It's taken me almost a yr to wean myself off my antidepressant.
My last therapist could not deal w/ my turn to bdsm. Her spiritual "values" tried to tell me how wrong I was which lead to a fallout. I haven't seen a therapist since January & w/this past fallout & 2 therapist abandonment issues before that I have no desire to return to therapy.
I have looked for a therapist that understands the lifestyle but again...it's an extremely small town.

I know I'll run Into the desire to return to bdsm, but it's caused so many bad issues in my life I feel like I have to bury those feelings to return to my vanilla life. I won't make it in the vanilla life, I know that.