Quote:
Originally Posted by Patagonia
Thank you all for ur advice.
Yes my Dom was toxic & I needed to get away from him. It would be very easy to slip back to under his hand but I know I'd end up feeling the same way. It's been very hard to be away from him.
My bdsm community is extremely small & clicky. I was snubbed there & my Dom was asked not to return after one meeting. We both felt that we posed a threat to the group bec we were both married. I haven't been back since February & no one has asked me to return. There's no friends there.
My hubby does nothing in the way if aftercare, never has. On & off. That's all there is. My marriage has been suffering for a long time which ultimately led me to cheating but I stay for my kids.
I'm still extremely depressed & nervous it'll get worse as we head into the winter months. No I don't wanto return to drugs. It's taken me almost a yr to wean myself off my antidepressant.
My last therapist could not deal w/ my turn to bdsm. Her spiritual "values" tried to tell me how wrong I was which lead to a fallout. I haven't seen a therapist since January & w/this past fallout & 2 therapist abandonment issues before that I have no desire to return to therapy.
I have looked for a therapist that understands the lifestyle but again...it's an extremely small town.
I know I'll run Into the desire to return to bdsm, but it's caused so many bad issues in my life I feel like I have to bury those feelings to return to my vanilla life. I won't make it in the vanilla life, I know that.
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Here are a few links that may be useful:
http://www.drkkolmes.com/docs/kap.pdf
Adultery and the Vanilla Spouse - By Sensuous Sadie
https://fetlife.com/
Considering the strength of your attraction to BDSM, I don't think it's something that would be healthy for you to completely try to cut off from, but perhaps with some help you can find a balanced way to incorporate that into your life and marriage. You don't need
that particular Dom, but you do feel like you need BDSM. You don't need
that particular therapist because of the value dissonance, but you might could still use therapy with someone who recognizes that you are seeking treatment for depression, not BDSM. I would still say get online for some of the BDSM groups if it's still so integral to your sexual identity. Fetlife and BDSM Library forums spring to mind, and they have submissive groups where you can check in with others who might have experienced similar situations, or advice for finding a therapist who is kink positive. At the very least, they can give you solid pointers on the what to look out for in a Dom so that you can try to avoid unhealthy ones in the future. (Although I should add the caveat that you should keep an eye out for the "twue subs" nonsense some people throw around. Ignore that. Seriously, just ignore that.) You might also find some online therapists who are kink aware who can help you work through what was so toxic about your last relationship so that you know how to avoid that in future doms, or who can help you try to salvage your marriage.
Unfortunately, this is where I will be bowing out of the conversation. I wish I could be more help to you, but I am ill-equipped to deal with marriage for the kids vs. divorce for self-interests discussions with anything resembling impartiality as I have recently discovered that I have very strong feelings on this particular topic. Frankly, that is a very personal decision and you don't need it to be muddled by other people's issues. Good luck with finding a way to get what you need, and figuring out what's best for you.
