Quote:
Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend
You're probably right. I just can't shake this fear that I have no matter how hard I try. I have such an overwhelming fear of showing weakness that it holds me back in not only my interpersonal relationships, but also makes it hard for me to hold a regular job. Just as I'm afraid to reveal my weaknesses to others, I'm afraid of appearing weak and incapable at a job and become evasive and defensive if I make a simple mistake. I've ruined seemingly good friendships and have been fired from more than one job off being like this alone. In short, if I'm not in complete control of an interpersonal situation, I find it difficult to function in one.
I used to have a lot of friends and was much happier at one point in my life, but I pushed most of them away for the sake of starting an online business and making more money without having to deal with people. I've spent most of my young adult life trying to manipulate my way out of facing my fears and I'm starting to see that I've hurt myself further. I sold what little happiness that I had at one point for the sake of money thinking that it would make me happy and solve all of my problems. Now I'm still having money issues and I won't see most of the money that I've made for another couple of months which means that I'll still struggle. I can't live this way anymore.
I know that I need a therapist but I'm done working; I'm tired. I would rather take the easy way out and do some barely-legal but shady black hat stuff to get ahead. I need money for therapy and insurance, I need a car, and I need to start my life over. I'm done struggling and I'll do anything and pay any price to finally have the chance that was wrongfully denied to me most of my life.
In short, I feel like being any way dependent on others makes me weak. I feel like if I'm not in control of a relationship or friendship, I'm at the other person's mercy. To me, there is nothing worse than vulnerability.
On a positive note, at least if I hurt myself rather than giving others the chance to hurt me, I'm still in control.
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Being completely dependent on another person is not a healthy thing for an adult. But depending on others for certain things in a balanced way is healthy. Give and take. Mutual. Being completely dependent on another person would be a burden on them and vice versa. It's about balance. And, asking for a hand up is different from a hand out. There is no shame in asking for help if you use it to your advantage, express appreciation and either do something in return or pay it forward, even.
On a positive note, at least if I hurt myself rather than giving others the chance to hurt me, I'm still in control. -- This is a very telling statement.
Good luck with your "journey", but do seek help from a therapist.