Thanks so much everyone for your thoughtful responses. I am still having a hard time with this and am working up the courage to call my pdoc. First I need to accept that this is actually my symptoms coming to the surface and not destiny calling my name or whatever.

A side thought - In the past I have been heavily into spiritual concepts and based on my beliefs in the past I have allowed my feelings to lead me completely. My feelings were my only compass in life. It did lead to a lot of confusion and heartache, but I was never more alive than during those times. Anyway...it is a serious struggle to not follow my feelings and internal instincts. I end up getting confused and hurt no matter what I do because my feelings are so strong and yet I cannot fulfill them. This is what really makes me a crazy person I guess. I do whatever I can to dull my feelings but they still eat away at me.

A window into my actual craziness - For years I have believed that this ex of mine and I are spiritually connected. I am certain we have this kind of cosmic connection that will never fade away and that we have known each other in other lifetimes. My soul gravitates towards him even though he has only caused me pain, which leads me to further believe that we have some intense past life karma coming into play. I dream about the day when I meet him again and what it will be like. I know this is all crazy sounding, and I assure you I am not even manic right now. These are the thoughts and feelings I struggle with every day and have been for years. I want to add that these feelings are in a way VERY unwanted and definitely intrude on my thoughts in a majorly loud way. One part of me wants to give into these "bipolar" feelings and live with them as a compass and the other says I need to stay in my stable relationship and be a responsible mature respectable adult. What I truly (I think I guess) want is to be a content, mature adult and to live with logic in mind. Like we're not living in medieval times or something people don't just drop everything they're doing and travel across the continent to see someone they think they're in love with leaving a trail of burnt bridges and devastated family members. No. Every day I tell myself no.

In the past when I was in the hospital three times it was because I was unable to argue with myself and I actually DID fly across the country to see this man and did a slew of other irresponsible but highly romantic (in my mind) things...

It is hard to explain all of this to a pdoc...and in fact I only have mentioned all of this once. It's a long story! And I don't want to be medicated up to my eyeballs.

Do you guys think they will medicate me up to my eyeballs if I tell them all of this?