For my Ex husband, it was a matter of "definition".
His definition of abuse "hitting a woman with a closed fist" - since he never hit me with a closed fist - there was no abuse in the marriage. And he really truely believed this.

The times he slapped me and slapped me over my ear and broke my ear drum... the choking me against the wall, the times he pushed me down and kicked me... etc
Simply were not "abuse" to him.

To this day, the definition "stands" and if you ever asked him if he had abused a woman - he would say "no, of course not".