Psychiatrist session this morning was just filling out papers.

Psychologist appointment was the best that I've ever had. I'm a bit symptomatic and he explained what is happening so well. Amazing except I'm still a bit symptomatic and confused trying to figure out what is real or not. So good at his job that I can't believe it. Our conversation should have been recorded and put on youtube. It would help so many people. Just brilliant.

We were talking about how I wasn't able to function while sick when I did all that manic stuff with the flooded apartment, alcohol, cigarettes, drug abuse, blowing all my money, insane overdoses, data bills, running away in pjs in bare feet in the middle of the night, 911 calls, thinking my mom and step dad want to kill me, running away from helicopters and some weird creepy horror film paranoia and delusions, etc.. So I have to be well for a while to prove myself which is why my mom is basically completely in control. Dopamine, serotonin balance. If I'm very well for a long time, I can have a beer or two but ya no more than that and I'm ok with it.

My mom told me about what she wants for me in life and started to cry because I get so delusional that I didn't trust her in the past and that she just wants me to be sick and have control over me. Then I started to cry because that's not me. I know she wants the complete opposite. I hate it when she cries. I trust her and always will. If I become delusional, I'll chose to trust no matter how delusional I get. I'd rather trust something that my brain doesn't believe as a rule if I remember.

I feel so bad. She says her children is why she stays working at a job that she hates so much.

I'm coming to terms that I have schizophrenia but I don't want to be dependent. I want to make my own money and enjoy it. I want my life back.

I don't care about the money because my mom signed 71 pages to manage my money so what ever. It's over 3k a month (Including my meds). I still don't care right now because I have no life. Everyone my age and friends on Facebook are having a good time like an amazing time. I've gotten over it so.. I accept this illness .. Sometimes.

Staying in high school and doing well on my English course but not going to post secondary education yet because it costs like 900 dollars every couple of weeks or something and high school, upgrading my marks is 150 dollars a year.

Unless I hate the place and want to move on already, I can afford it.