Hey there,

I can't be bothered to look after myself.. I feel I've always been like this. While I still lived with my parents, my mum would kick and push me (figuratively..) to make some sort of an effort, but even then, I didn't feel like it came from my heart - I only complied to keep her happy..

The thing is, I've always felt like a complete zero when it comes to my physicality. I feel I've even hated my body.. In a weird way, I've felt that if I didn't have it, I never would have been afraid to die! I know that probably sounds completely bonkers.. I wish I could blame my dad, not my body!

My dad didn't want kids. I think there was a moment when I was really small where he showed me he wanted me gone.. My therapist says it could've been something as 'small' as a look, a gesture, something he actually said, the tone of his voice.. A moment where I felt I was going to die for sure.

I've always felt that no matter what I did, I could never make anyone - especially men - like me. I think this must come straight from my dad - I must have been a baby when I figured he didn't want me - I hadn't had time to do anything to make him hate me, he just didn't want kids full stop!

And now I've really let myself go.. I keep eating crap, won't shower unless I'm going out, can't even be bothered to brush my teeth regularly.. My teeth are in horrible condition, which depresses me even more because I know I can never afford to get them properly fixed. Although, I am going to try to heal them naturally, but first, I need to get out of this funk!

I'd like to just have someone else who cared about me, too.. I feel I could then be bothered to care about myself. My friends used to just call me when they wanted to do something, and only put up with me if I was sad or in some other mood they couldn't deal with. I only have one friend left who's fantastic and always does her best to help me when I ask her to, but I guess that's the problem - I always have to ask.

I feel so tired of begging for attention. Nobody asks how I'm doing on their own accord. Or if they do, they only want to hear what they want to hear. When I've seen my friends in trouble or not doing too good, I've always asked if something was wrong that I could help them with. They hardly ever told me anything and I let them be since they weren't ready to talk.. I guess they just don't know how to deal with certain things and that's why they avoid people who're going through them? So, it's not MY fault they 'don't care'?

I guess I'd just like to know I'm NOT a complete zero because my dad, or anyone else, couldn't/can't be bothered with me.. That I matter and was meant to be born anyway!