I agree that the love/hate stems from the BPD. And right now it's a big mess. There's ideal T and mean T, and when I see mean T there's ideal ex-T I want to run to. My T pointed this out yesterday. I just didn't understand her point until you, lolagrace, made your post.

Yes, we're taught distress tolerance in DBT. And I actually asked my group T if some point he could go over the window of tolerance, and help to teach us how to widen our window. I'm not great at utilizing DBT skills. I never had someone to process rl by using the skills. I was just simply taught DBT.

I'm trying my best to not run away. It's not easy. I have worked hard to continue to stay with this T. She knows that things for me are really fragile when it comes to our relationship. Don't forget I'm still dealing with the betrayal of ex-T, and it's hard to put my trust into a new T. My instinct since day 1 has to been to run away. But I know I need to stay. My instincts also told me to choose her. Her boundaries are close to ideal for me. And she has shown effort into being more caring and supportive. Plus she's smart and does DBT which is the modality I need. You would probably think I lucked out again with Ts. I probably did.

I am trying. And things are getting better in my personal life. In the past month, I think I only cried twice for my ex-T. I am more functional in my daily activity. And I'm sticking with the group therapy and am actually enjoying it. I always show up to individual, and I'm 100% honest with my T. I know I need to learn how to process the emotions triggered while in the session. It not that I'm intentionally trying to suppress things. T says that for the future, if it happens again, I should email her so she knows what's going on.

I'm doing the best I can, and I think I'm doing a decent job considering what I went through and what I struggle with.