I am so angry and confused. My sessions are normally really good, last week T said that next week we should try and work on something that I have been scared to talk about. So I went in and everything was fine, I had done some homework so I gave it to her to read. It was all about why I don't want to get into the topic. I can't talk about anything sexual I feel like even just touching on it, is going to show everyone how dirty and wrong I am. It's hard to explain but basically I can't use simple words or talk about simple things with anyone because I always expect that doing so is going to expose me as somebody who is just plain wrong. So I kept having to use code words for everything and now both myself and T are confused and I know it. I felt like I was on trial for my life, trying to explain myself.
It just went round and round and back and forth and she said that how I see myself is not necessarily what other people will see and that we have a judgement free space in the room so there’s no need to be afraid. I think she gets a bit funny when I say that I'm afraid of what she will think - like I am insulting the work we have done together when she has never judged me yet. Then I feel incredibly self absorbed for thinking that anything I could say will make her have an opinion. So I said I'd save the rest for next week, but really I have no intention of sharing it and I’m also now afraid to express why ever again because I can’t do so without insulting the safe space she provides.
But it's not going away, I mean this is the fear of my life and I just can't do it. And all that I'm typing- you'd think I had something terrible to share but I really don't. My memory got so messed up and I can't even recall the act itself. I think I was about 5 when it started but I am seriously lacking on facts. This means I have to talk about 'feelings' instead and I just can't do that without exposing the nastiness within. Plus I now feel like it's all just lies and I should just shut up before I really embarrass myself.
Somebody please tell me what I should do.