You are on a "mental health" site and you are being very open about many things. That says a lot. The right therapy will be so helpful. You already have some understanding of who you are - when you are ready it will be worth it.

Tonight I meant to come on here and write some things I was thinking about during the day and I see the conversation changed... it's a good change.

Regarding a relationship... it's very difficult for a couple to try not and get "attached". We are holding on to old evolution in our brains regarding, sex, love, attachment and so on.. You can educate yourself about "what is going on" and that could help you make choices. I like .. Helen E. Fisher she is an American anthropologist, human behavior researcher, and self-help author. Sometimes people do not care to understand the chemistry - it may not seem as magical - but the way she puts it.. I know the ingredients in a chocolate cake and still love it!

Stay in the here and now. You can try and enjoy someone's company now today - do not miss out on the experience. As fearful as I can be about relationships... I've learned to enjoy what's in front of me now. If things do not work out for us for whatever reason it's ok. Now, you are younger so you will meet those that want marriage and a full time attachment - but not all - be honest and upfront. As you try you will learn to enjoy the whole person without the OMG this is gonna hurt eventually.

You can get to the point where you like your life with just you - and another person can enhance it... but... you are still you with or without a relationship.

Good luck working on the things that are holding you back. If you work on it you will change. I still have my walls up but nothing like I use to... and had many great experiences once I learned how to manage those thoughts that hold me back.