Quote:
Originally Posted by eden1515
it isnt about being old enough to be asked i dont think i am explaining myself well although i dont know any other way to explain it. I am not me i dont other people have a sense of themselves even if it is only small they still seem to feel like a thing but i dont i dont feel whole or like i exist i seem to just reflect things off others and spit back what they want to hear to preserve what ever this creature is that seems to host more than one thing i dont have an identity if i look in the mirror i dont see anything i recognise i am not there is more than one being in my head like multiple people only they arent whole either they are fragments but so separate i dont get a say because i cant i one cant decide alone when the others dont want the same things. It isnt that simple there are other things living in me.
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I get what your saying- I'm not sure the full reason but there could be many and I'm not a diagnosis person; I've just seen a whole lot of different people with disorders and problems which affect their mental health through my own life and being in and out of treatment.
What I will say is, that you appear to have an opinion- even if you don't feel it's yours. Unless someone else is typing for you, you do have an opinion and have experiences you don't want to repeat for example- that's a formed part of your life and mind which makes you very much not a blank slate. This is part of you and even if it's all you've got (and I don't believe that's all there is to you btw) it's got to be worth working and building on. You should celebrate and value the parts of you that say who you are: your likes, dislikes are a start and though it's a little bit bitter-sweet because you've had a rough deal to get to the point of view you have about the systems around you, it is perhaps a sliver lining (trying to not sound like I'm just reeling off a book of phrases here!!).
Seriously though, I understand what your saying when you say you feel like you don't have a personality and are empty. I get that. I just think that you can't see what maybe others can see. I see a person who has real life experiences which has shaped them- even without this previous hospital experience I think you will have had to have experiences to shape who you are and that makes you different to say, people from another town or country or place, I know you can't see it and you are most likely this far from wanting to hit the screen I've typed on because you probably think I'm not seeing what is there but the way you see things isn't the way I see things and that is another part of what makes you who you are: your opinion, your experiences and what you see is different from what others see and believe.
What would be helpful though is to be talking to your psychologist about how you feel because it's important stuff. I know you have said you don't feel there is anything there and you don't feel like a real person, but is that a reason to not say what's going on for you? I don't get why the way you feel means other people wont listen to what you want or don't want happening in your treatment. Just because it's how it feel, doesn't mean that's how it is and what others believe about you.
Have you tried to talk about feeling you don't feel listened to? You can work on having the past not repeat itself but that wont happen by itself, it needs your input.