Just2be,

I am not going to criticize you. I have felt this exact same way many times during my therapy. It's a very awful, painful place to be. It is at these exact moments that I give serious thought to giving up and quitting therapy.

Like you, I have child parts. From what I've learned, I assume they were formed as I was growing up, during those many times that I felt emotionally or physically in danger and needed comfort and protection from my mom -- and did not receive it. This repeated experience of being in so much pain with nobody to help or rescue me was so unbearable that I managed to banish those traumatized parts of myself. For decades, I coped as a responsible adult who did not need to rely, nor want to rely, on others for support. I did not realize that I still had parts of myself that were childlike, in pain, and in need of rescuing. Not until I had my breakdown.

Since then, these needy, hurting parts of me dog my days and fill my nights. They make it hard for me to think and act like an adult. They make it hard for me to carry out my daily responsibilities. They make me feel hurt and ashamed. I try to hide them, but it no longer works. When something triggers me or reminds me of the past when I needed so much, and didn't get the help I need, these child parts of me come rushing out. They scream and cry for rescue, for a mother, to protect and comfort and love them. They know my parents can't provide it. It is my job to learn to love and rescue those hurting parts of me, but I feel incapable. I don't feel loving enough toward them. They embarrass me.

So they cry out to my t to rescue them, to be their mom. And just as your t cannot be your mom, my t cannot be mine either. The sheer pain of knowing this - of facing the reality that my parents never gave me the love and protection I needed - and that nobody will ever be able to fill up that hole now - sometimes feels like dying. Maybe this is how it feels for you also.

I don't have the answer. At times when I am feeling more in my adult state of mind, I would say hang in there, let your t help you, be patient, be good to yourself, and know that you will come out on the other side of this much happier, stronger, and healthy.

Unfortunately, right now, I am in the same state of mind that you are. I also am going through the same feeling of disappointment with my t because of a situation once again where I felt like I truly needed more from her, and she did not provide it. Maybe didn't even realize I needed it. Even though we've been through this before many times. It leaves me feeling alone and hurting, and yet I feel it is my fault for being so needy and not having learned by now how to take better care of my own child selves. I feel disappointed with my t, and disappointed with myself. At those times, I want to give up and not go back to t also.

I wish I could give you the perfect advice. But all I can do is say that I think I understand where you are coming from. I understand that feeling of need, and need denied, and the pain that results. I know the fear of feeling like you are all alone with your pain and need someone to be like a mom and rescue you. But it can't happen because you are actually an adult, who has aspects that feel like a scared and needy child.

Please know that I am 100% right there with you on this. I DO understand.

Be gentle with yourself. Give it time. It's going to be OK.

Peaches