I was diagnosed in June of this year. My wife had been on me for years to get evaluated and I didn't do it. I never thought I had it (symptom #1). Her 'requests' were always at the end of a curse-infested argument during which she said 'there's something wrong with you. You have ADD. You're broken and you need go to the doctor and get yourself fixed.' Taking that as another personal attack, I resisted (symptom #2). I've always asked myself the same questions. Why is she so mean to me? Why can't I do anything right? Why does she call me names? Why is she so critical? Why is she verbally and emotionally abusing me? (Symptoms 3…4…)

I'm the type of person who gets defensive if I perceive an attack and after I get thrashed I withdraw. It's one thing to attack a person's actions. It's another to attack the personality or character of a person. And that's where most of my pain resides. In her defense, I should have taken care of this long ago. As a result, we are currently separated but still living in the same house even though I’m being treated and don’t argue nearly as much and my focus is much better. I still make mistakes that husbands make (forget something at the store, home later than planned, something household, disorganized, etc.) and get more penalized now than before I got diagnosed. It’s way beyond normal. Who needs to hear about literally every single thing they do wrong or differently? This has made me not want to try. I’m finding it impossible to work on the ADD and get past the emotional scars from not having any care from the one person from whom I need it. This can come across as blame but it is based on actual events.

I am being medicated and treated by a therapist whose husband has ADD so she can relate. She is seeing a therapist that is not familiar with ADD and has convinced her that my personality is to blame and that she has done nothing wrong. At home, the verbal abuse and criticism I'm enduring has increased dramatically. There has never been a moment where she acknowledged that ADD is a brain disorder that affects emotions and behavior. She thinks that it’s all learned and that a good deal of the time we can’t help it by ourselves. It's all me and never ADD she says. She says I have a defective and surly personality; that I'm incapable of love, compassion, caring, handling kids, job, relationship, anything. She has put all of this into lengthy emails and sent them to me. ADD or not, how much compassion and caring would anyone give back to a person who talks this way? Is it right to condemn someone like this and disregard the fact that there’s a brain disorder in the middle of it? In my worst moments, I never resorted to this level of scorn; never called names, never assaulted character.

I have apologized for not dealing with this sooner. However, do I have to apologize for having this condition? I did not catch this like a cold. I did not learn ADD. I was born with it according to the experts. After a diagnosis like this I don't feel that increasing the punishment and alienation is going to help. Quite the opposite.

I've read enough to understand that some spouses just can't take it anymore. Who can blame them right? But when the other partner receives new information like this that can shed light on past issues, shouldn't that get some consideration? And to add more salt to the wound, she has refused couples counseling. My life is to the point now where I either get excessively criticized in front of our kids or I get a lengthy email flooded with put-downs, or both. Then after that she asks me to do or fetch something for her (not hey would you do X, but I need you to do X). And she never says thank you.
As a result I am completely locked up. When I go home I don't speak to her unless spoken to and if she says anything negative I simply don't respond because I would be branded defensive and argumentative. I barely respond at all actually. She thinks we’re arguing and I think we’re talking. So now she says whatever she wants with no remorse or ramification and I’m supposed to sit there and take it. I’m to the point where I’m preparing to move myself out because I’m never getting the chance to improve on my ADD nor heal from the wounds from our relationship. And I don’t know if I can be with someone who treats me like this even though I’ve said/done things that have hurt her. I’ve apologized at least plus showed that I want to reconcile.

What if I was diagnosed with brain cancer and the tumor affected the parts of the brain that regulate emotions, behavior, and such? Would she reject and abandon me in that case too?