Unfortunately for me, I always have trouble sticking to routine and if I do stick to it for a while, it isn't long before it crumbles.

Unfortunately making a MeetUp group costs... monthly... As I found out to my disappointment the other day.

I quit my volunteering the other week but I think I'll go back on Tuesday. Had to have some time away as I was beginning to dislike it.

I do love someone and they loved me back but the circumstances wouldn't permit it. I was so happy a few months back but I didn't want to accept the reality that it wasn't going to happen. During those months I never felt tired, I was oozing confidence, I had so much energy, I could do task after task without being tired. When reality hit, I stuck it out for a while but eventually the composition in my mind changed and within a few weeks I was back to feeling like ****.

I don't fall easy and when I do, I do hard and I hate that it can't happen. The loneliness isn't bound to just wanting to be with someone, though it is a big part of it, I just want to meet real people and have someone I can call up and ask if they want to get a coffee or a beer.
When I'm out with family or in pub on my own I feel like a piece of the decor, largely ignored... or a ghost. Someone could pass through me and they wouldn't even feel a chill.

I reached out to my cousin who I'd not seen for 18+ years and got her a volunteering place where I volunteered. I kept badgering her to come in on days she didn't, to help motivate her but that didn't work and whenever I asked ife wanted to hang out or get a beer it was no every time, except for the one occasion where she asked me and I was busy... On her terms. I figured it would benefit us both because she has pretty bad Bipolar Disorder, but I could only help so much... In the end we both got a bit bitter towards each other and now we don't talk at all.

I don't like it when I help others but they aren't willing to return the favour. I guess can't help everyone.

I get to see family tomorrow (12th) for a meal, so should be nice, but afterwards I know I'm going to feel like crap when I get home.

I'm a nice guy, not too uggo but money drives the world and meeting people is so difficult these days even with these freaking apps and websites.

:@

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