This sounds so me...there are so many times I want to do self harm it is unreal....I am so glad that I found this site and you guys..it lets me know that I am not the only person that actually has these thoughts. My T tries to help me understand why I would want to do this to myself .... and personally I would like to know also. I drink with the meds that they have me on, and God knows they have me on a load of medication. Every bottle says to stay away from drinking...especially when taking the meds. But what the hell...I'm not gonna live forever. I have refrained as you did from telling my T about my drinking any more. Then there are times when I am driving down the road that I can picture myself driving into a tree, on purpose, just so it can all end. What a wonderful thought some times...finally getting it all over with. Needless to say I lean more toward the depressive side than the manic side. I was diagnosed with bipolar about 6 months ago and I have been in a tailspin ever since....some of it has been the meds...most of it is me. My kids are what keeps me here...had it not been for them 2 weeks ago I would have committed suicide..my husband convinced me to give him the razor blade..God love him. I hope that it is okay for me to pour out all of this rambling on this post....if not I am sure that I will be told so....I hope that I have found the right place and some people who will hopefully become friends who can understand where I am coming from. Till next time