Thank you everyone for your answers. My T does let me talk about what I want and at my own pace but we never seem to really get to the root of anything because I banned the topic. She accepted this for a while and then said that she doesn't think that I will benefit properly from the whole process if we don't take a look at that issue and that if I want to, we will work on it. I agreed because I know that I need to do this, but it's just so hard.
After the last session she told me to think about what I need her to do or say to make it easier and I think I have an answer, but I'm sure it's not what she meant. See I dissociate if I hear certain words or if certain questions are asked directly. Since I've banned all of this, I did not dissociate in the last session. All my stupid code words just make me uncomfortable and horribly present. I want to tell her to just go ahead and use those words and get a bit more in my face about it because I know this will make me go into the biggest dissociative state ever and that will be so peaceful and then maybe I will be able to participate properly.
Would this seem a strange thing to do? Again I'm rejecting the no judgement safe space thing..