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Originally Posted by AnaWhitney
Thank you everyone for your answers. My T does let me talk about what I want and at my own pace but we never seem to really get to the root of anything because I banned the topic. She accepted this for a while and then said that she doesn't think that I will benefit properly from the whole process if we don't take a look at that issue and that if I want to, we will work on it. I agreed because I know that I need to do this, but it's just so hard.
After the last session she told me to think about what I need her to do or say to make it easier and I think I have an answer, but I'm sure it's not what she meant. See I dissociate if I hear certain words or if certain questions are asked directly. Since I've banned all of this, I did not dissociate in the last session. All my stupid code words just make me uncomfortable and horribly present. I want to tell her to just go ahead and use those words and get a bit more in my face about it because I know this will make me go into the biggest dissociative state ever and that will be so peaceful and then maybe I will be able to participate properly.
Would this seem a strange thing to do? Again I'm rejecting the no judgement safe space thing..
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I tried therapy dissociated and it simply didn't work. If we're not emotionally present for the work, I don't believe we're able to make progress. Dissociation was a useful defense, but it can also be a huge hindrance and is something that needs healing. Therapy is the safe space to stand down and be present, it just takes time to get comfortable with being there.
So, I don't think you'd be really participating if you set it up so that you didn't feel safe and shut down instead, i.e. dissociated - I've found, indeed, that pushing myself to do therapeutic work while dissociating is counterproductive.
I understand the discomfort you're in but I hope you'll just try sharing how hard it is for you so that you two can work through it gently instead of trying to deliberately numb yourself- seems like that would cause the same problem you've been dealing with already of not making progress. I do understand the impulse though, I've had it too.
Sorry it's so hard. It does get easier- you're just starting on the hard stuff- but that's what makes it better down the road.
