I am not even sure where to start, basicaly what happens for me is a vicious circle. I dont even know the appropriate place to post this :/ inevetably I fail at all else I do so what would be the difference now.
I am sure my husband has had enough, I mean who wants to be married to a woman who has that many problems she cant function. Everything has gotten to the point wher I dont want to care but I care too much. I am throwing up every single day at the moment the second I start to feel any emotions outside of completely normal things.
The moment I think about my marriage, or my work, or any social event coming up, I get this insane pain and nautious feeling, then I start shaking and crying and then before I know it Im hugging the toilet bowl.
I know that a marriage isnt going to be perfect, that it will have its ups and downs, good times and bad. I am fully aware of how normal relationships work, and I think thats where the probelm is with this marriage. I can see it crashing and burning right infront of me but I have absolutely no way to stop it.
My husband is fully aware of all of my problems and issues, my triggers and the things that are harder for me but shouldn't be. Yet any time I try to bring a problem up or try to have any semi-serious conversation with my husband he doesnt want a bar of it. I have tried everything, from not talking and just acting like nothings going on, I have tried approaching him without being upset or angry or anything.
I tried to talk to him and he was actualy talking to me, but he told me that there is nothing wrong with our marriage, nothing wrong with our relationship that it is all in my head and that I need to get ove it because this is what our marriage is like.
I dont get it... How can anyone believe that a "healthy marriage" is not talking to each other, not touching each other, not discussing the future, not having joint money, not having joint assets, sleeping alone, doing everything alone, to me that is not anything at all like a marriage.
To me it sounds more like an awkward housemates relationship.
Maybe I just have some misconception on what a marriage is meant to be.
I always thought a marriage was two people who truly love each other, and want to see each other happy, a couple who share their wishes hopes and dreams as well as their struggles and fears together. Two people who select eachother out of all the other people in the world, and they chose to be together forever.
I thought a marriage contained intamicy and affection, kind words and support.
Doesnt feel like my marriage contains any of these.

I feel lost, and empty at the same time, I never wanted to give up on our marriage but I just cant see the sense in fighting for something I am the only one who wants to keep alive.
He has said he is 100% contenet and happy with his life right now, it doesnt bother him that the only thing he says to me each day is MORNING: "gotta go to work now bye" AFTERNOON: one of the following words "busy, boring or quiet" NIGHT: one of the following words or statements "donuts, i dont know, just have a little rest" - He is happy to come to bed 4 hours after me, sleep with his back to me, get up before me - He is happy to spend all his time when he is not at work, alseep - He is happy to text, call and tell his friends and brothers everything but tell me nothing - He is happy to not have sex - he is happy to not hugs, kiss, hold hands, cuddle , just not touch in general -

Whats the point in being with me if you are going to ignore me all the time?

It doesnt do much for my self estem when my every attempt to have any kind of intimacy or physical contact, with my husband is rejected.

I feel like rubbish when I cant even go to him to talk about things.

This is more just me writting my feelings and thoughts and me questions.
You can reply if you like, but no need to also.

Thank for listening if you made it to the end.
xx