Hi guys,

Just needed to get this out. My friends are tired of hearing about it. But I have all of these feelings inside that I don't know what to do with.

At the beginning of the Summer, I moved to another state. I had about two and a half months in my new house before I move into my college dorm room (school is about a six hour drive my new house). Before I signed my intent to register, I went around and around on whether I was actually ready, emotionally, to make this step to college. I missed the equivalent of an entire year of school during my first two years of high school, although I graduated on time, with honors, with my senior class. Up until last week, I felt fine about going off to college in two weeks. However, there has been a really tough turn of events.

I started seeing T1 in the beginning of 2012. We worked together for a little over a year until I was hospitalized in a residential program. Following my discharge, there was about eight months of therapy drama. While I was in the hospital, the hospital deemed T1 unethical and accused her of blurring boundaries because she replied to text and email messages from her patients. Because I was a minor at the time, I had no real say in what happened to me after I was discharged. I was sent to another therapist (T2). This therapist was very vocal about her dislike of T1, based on what the hospital told her. In addition to being abruptly terminated with T1, I also had a very bad experience with the residential program as a whole. I came back angry and scared and was trust into the real world without any transition plan. I was never able to process everything that had happened because the new t was very outspoken about T1, judgmental. It was a tough eight months until I turned 18 and was able to get back to T1 (I paid for it myself as my parents did not approve of me going back to see her).

I saw T1 again up until two and half months ago, when I moved states. Because of the move, and the college transition coming up, we decided that we would continue our appointments via Skype to make for some continuity during a period of a lot of change. The plan was for me to find a new therapist near my new house (T3) and get acquainted so that when it was time for me to move to school, I could terminate with T1 and continue on with T3. It took me weeks to wrap my head around finding a new therapist. I have some severe trust issues and attachment issues and I couldn't imagine having another therapist. T1 referred me to an old friend of hers, a lady that she had gone through graduate school with. I met T3 and immediately hit it off with her. I felt a good connection and the best part of it is that she has a unique connection to my T1. I began to open up about my experience at residential. Not super deeply but enough that I was confident that T3 would be the person I could process it all with.

Now comes the turbulent waters. After seeing T3 for four or five weeks, my parents dropped the bomb. They said that I had to find a new therapist because T3 isn't covered by insurance. The thing is- I had told them that she didn't take insurance before I started seeing her. I covered all my bases because there was no way that I was going to get to know someone new only to be cut off again abruptly. My parents and I had fight after fight about the financials of it. I knew that there was some other catch. And it came out- they said "it's unnerving how attached you've become in so few sessions. We don't want a repeat of T1".

I feel like my world is crumbling out from beneath me. I had made a plan for this transition with T1 so that I wouldn't find myself in a position where I didn't have any therapist. Yet that's the situation I am in. I was to officially end the Skype appointments with T1 next week. I can no longer see T3. I leave for school in a little over a week and I don't have time to find someone else and get to know them before I leave. Not to mention, I don't even know where to look for a new therapist. T3 was T1's only referral in this area, and T3 doesn't have any referrals who are covered by my insurance. My parents just keep saying that they want whats best for me and they are doing what they think is best for me. They want me to see someone up near my school (remember, T3 is near my house).

I wanted to only have a therapist near my house that I could see when I came back on school breaks. I have been in weekly therapy for four years and I think it's time to experience the real world and see how much I've learned. I didn't want someone to see every week while I'm at school. I think that I can do it without such close monitoring. I wanted to do it.

I just feel that there are so many parallels to when I came back from residential and was abruptly terminated with T1. I had a plan then- to go back and continue work with T1. I was cut off and sent to someone completely new, that my parents approved of. It was an awful eight months with a therapist who didn't understand me. I feel like this time around, I had a plan. A plan that I made so that this wouldn't happen again. And now look. I am cut off from another therapist whom I felt close to. I opened up to her about some really tough things in my past. I felt that she could help me in ways that even T1 couldn't. Not to mention, I don't think that I will find someone else who can relate to my situation at residential than the new t. Without knowing T1 personally, I think that every therapist will have the same reaction that the hospital did- that T1 was unprofessional. She was just out of the box. She did what she felt was beneficial, given the circumstances, and I will stand by her. T3 was so right because she knew T1 as a person. She was able to look at her actions through not only a professional lens but as a colleague as well. She even said that she would have done the same thing in T1's shoes. She made it safe to talk about my experience.

I know this is long so I will wrap it up. I just don't know what to do. My plan is gone. T3 is gone. My hope that I will find someone who I can talk about specifically my experience in residential is gone. T1 is going to be gone. I'm going off to school and I feel so alone. I feel triggered by this unfolding of events. I worry that maybe I got ahead of myself and am really not ready to go to college. But I really did feel ready, when I knew that I had a support system. But now that's gone and I feel so lost.