hi Djmarcus

I really do think as others have said you should call a hotline to get help for your suicide feelings and also to see a therapist to help you to heal from this.
I do feel that having a purpose in life helps us to go on. This could be a charitable cause that attracts or something that fired you up in easier times. For depression. It is better to have medication. Alcohol does make you feel depressed afterwards and is definitely not a long-term solution. You are doing very well. Keeping going at work and other things despite feeling bad. And that is very difficult to do and you should give yourself the credit for that. It shows you are strong and have what it takes to overcome this. Take care. I hope and pray everything improves for you soon. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis