My depression got a tiny bit better last week and has now gone back to the place where I can barely function.

It's such a mess. I wanted to see my pdoc early but she's too booked because of being off some of this week. So I have to wait until next Monday. I really want her to be making the decision about what happens next, especially because I'm ready to talk about some more drastic treatments. I thought she was going to suggest something I could start OP but I guess not.

In the meantime this means if I can avoid the hospital this week I really want to so I can see her. And hopefully I can and maybe regain what I lost. But I can't go on forever feeling like I do and that means I may need to go next week. Which is a huge problem because my mom is going to be out of town and can't watch my cats and I don't have anyone else which means that I can't just go to the hospital when they tell me to, I'll have to drive home (1.25 hours from my therapist, 2.5 hours from pdoc) to get the cats boarded at the vet's and then drive back to the hospital (2 hours) that day or the next. My therapist is going to be upset I didn't make other arrangements but I don't HAVE other arrangements. Unless I use someone I've never met from a website and then let them into my house (which I'm very paranoid about).

So now I'm depressed AND stressed out about this whole thing. Hopefully I make it without the hospital. But I've been on the edge for several weeks and I know there is a limit to how long I can do this without help. I've made it through worse OP. That's kind of my new mantra. But my therapist isn't going to like the negative changes and my pdoc is off.

this sucks.