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pinksoil said:
Since then, I went off of my meds. All at once.
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That must have been hard for you to do. I am sorry that you are suffering and are in pain.
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pinksoil said:
My thoughts have been overwhelmed with suicidal ideation. I put six Klonopin in my mouth, but then spit them out. It was a control thing.
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Pink, I'm so glad that you spit them out. See, you're a fighter.
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pinksoil said:
I saw T yesterday. He said, "If you did that, what would happen to us, here?"
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Great response to you from T!
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pinksoil said:
He said, "What would happen to my connection to you, if you did that?"
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This one makes me want to cry because it is so heartfelt and genuine from him.
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pinksoil said:
And all of a sudden, something came over me. Terrible images of suicide... I had my eyes closed, I began to describe all the images... When I opened my eyes, nothing seemed real. I couldn't feel my body, the room seemed fake, he seemed fake. It felt like that part of a panic attack when there is a complete loss of a sense of reality. Complete depersonalization.
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I am so sorry Pink. I hate that you are going through this pain.
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pinksoil said:
He said to me, "Where am I right now?" I told him, "You are so far away."
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I understand this feeling you had towards your T. I kind of felt like that this week after my session. That he is so far away...
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pinksoil said:
He asked me to tell him one small thing that I could forgive myself for. I told him I wished I could forgive myself for not putting away the laundry. That I was just too sad to get out of bed to do it. How my husband gets mad, he doesn't understand that sometimes I just can't. Then I began to cry.
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Pink, as painful as this all is, you just had a significant moment and turning point in your therapy. Crying is real and it is our bodies way of releasing pain. I know how hard that is for you as I struggle with the same.
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pinksoil said:
He told me to look right at him. To look at his eyes. That he was real, and to just continue to focus right on him. He stayed with me like that, in the here and now until I came back.
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He was holding you and I'm glad he brought you back. Please try not to be hard on yourself. I'm glad you posted...