I just read all of these responses and I want to thank each and every one of you for reaching out. It really means a lot to me.

I also want to say that I'm very sorry if my post last night made anyone feel badly. I was feeling desperate and not myself. When I feel that badly and that depressed I get very negative and I was in that "everyone hates me" headspace that I know many others suffer from as well when depressed.

I was feeling so alone and so desperate and it felt like you guys were my lifeline. I even thought of calling one of those suicide hotlines (which I've never done) but I pictured some naive volunteer on the other end who would have no idea what I was talking about, reading from a script in front of them. So I didn't.

I woke up this morning feeling horrible. My first thought was that I wish I didn't wake up, followed by dread. It sucks. I'm feeling so low.

I was actually in crisis last night. I spent a lot of time crying and that normally would be good and cathartic, but it wasn't a good healthy cry. I was messed up and I felt out of touch. It was more like the kind of crying you do while rocking.

Waking up this morning, I feel like I was another person last night, have a hangover even though I took no drugs and I feel ashamed and fragile. I feel like I was in some sort of altered state last night. I hadn't had SI but suddenly was getting very strong impulses out of the blue and that scared me.

It got bad enough that my husband had to leave work and come home to be with me. He's a police officer and he couldn't focus at work because he was worried, and it scares me to think that he might get hurt at work because of me distracting him. Anyway, he came home and I felt safer.

Today I feel like I failed somehow, or I feel exposed or something. After these episodes I typically feel vulnerable and ashamed. I'm not having suicidal urges today, just the same unrelenting darkness with a little more self hatred to spice it up.