radioflyer, I am so sorry. Your husband is in total denial about himself. My husband is similar, and eschews certain characteristics in others that he himself embodies. He just doesn't see himself as others do, or see his abusive actions for what they are. I think this is very, very common. At least you are divorced and don't have to deal with him as much as before.

Your Christmas tree story touched me. How hurtful. I am so sorry.

I too have felt the "I don't exist" feeling. My therapist asked me once what I most wanted from my husband, and I thought a moment, and then said "for him to acknowledge that I exist." He also suggested that one reason I chose this sort of person for a husband was because it fit similar feelings and behavior patterns from my childhood (true), and my choosing this husband was my effort at last to work out these problems. I am working them out and solving childhood stuff along the way. So yes, I think what you bring up about your childhood is very relevant.

Take care.