I've been having a hard time communicating with my new doc. The MI stigma is eating away at my heart. I also feel guilty for getting help when so many are undiagnosed... but then they're able to make it in life somehow....
Any time I open my mouth in his office my mind screams at me!

"REALLY? IS THAT ALL?? YOU'RE A PIECE OF **** YOU'RE FINE YOU'RE JUST BEING A ****** BABY"

As mean as my psyche is, at least it has confidence in me, I guess.

What makes this even harder is I have an irrationally negative disposition to anything that can even barley be reminiscent of Narcissus. I literally can't talk about myself without the screams

" ST*U YOU'RE WORTHLESS, YOU'RE MAKING EXCUSES, YOU DESERVE *********"

I'm imploding.

I've had daily ideation (both the bad kinds) since I was 12
It doesn't go away

But I can't tell the doc!
Actually, until recently, I thought everyone on this planet had regular episodes of ideation....

At least it hasn't evolved into intent.

Doc, I'm not doing so good
But I'm not important, you know that?
Everyone has problems right?
Why should I be awarded with an excuse when others fight so hard for the good lives they have?

I have 5 more years until I turn the age I decided would be the latest I'd go without achievement... an age I decided long long ago.

Even writing in these forums is tasking.
I can go days without looking at replies or threads I make
Too afraid to confront myself, I'm such crap, after all.

How do you guys do it???
It's so hard for me. Inspiration is beyond me.
Ambition is out of my hands at this point.
But, seeing everyone here talk so openly and receptively gives me a little twinkle...

so please
throw some advice my way, while I am still receptive in this mood I have today,
before I can abandon myself, like always