Absolute control is an illusion.

Your best chance at happiness is to build up your shattered self-esteem.

But, its your life, and I wont presume to tell you how to live it.


Let me share something about myself with you though, idk why, maybe it will provide you with some insight into a different perspective.


I've not had an easy life, like most members here I've had my fair share of shyt fall into my lap.


Growing up I had a paedo older brother, a bully for an older sister and an emotionally distant mother.


But my eldest brother and father who doted on me made up for that.


FFWD to early 20s, mentally, emotionally and eventually physically abusive bf who one day mistook me for a punching bag.


Mere months after leaving him, my eldest brother whom I worshipped is viciously murdered and my dad keels over from the shock and horror not too long after.

Then I get retrenched while suddenly having to float my household, consisting of my widowed mom, younger brother and daughter.... I'm 25 at the time.

Mix that with a bipolar and bpd dx and I was not having a fun time at your age either.


Point number 1 is this, I got hurt, severely, but I survived, self-preservation and adaptability is human nature. The will that drives it needs to be there though, but it's well documented that some of us have more will to avoid.


Point number 2, I had nothing to offer my friends or (new) bf for long periods of time, but they stuck by me even when I believed i was worthless, because our bonds were not based on financial benefits. The value we place on each other is not based on a bank balance.


Sometimes its benefit enough to enrich someone else's life.


I have no idea what kind of trauma you've been through that has scared you shytless, it must have been extremely painful. But I just wanted to give you some hope to see that maybe, just maybe money isn't the answer to your prayers, you are.


And no, I don't want any payment from you