Tanto, I identify completely with what you said in your post. I struggle with the same internal stigma issues. I can feel such self contempt and hatred for my lack of inner strength, my low self esteem, and my lack of confidence. My need for my mental illness to be validated is in strong conflict with a part of me that is in utter judgement of any form of neurosis or narcissism found in my personality.

I was diagnosed 6 years ago with BPII. Previously, I struggled with depression anxiety, and suicidal ideation, but I regarded those as part of the human condition and as challenges to be overcome while raising a family, going to college, and becoming a teacher. After my divorce in 2008 and my last child leaving for college, I dealt with the emotional fallout and being alone for the first time in almost 30 years. Divorced, empty nest syndrome, premenopausal.... Huge life changes!

In the Spring of 2009 I began dating. I hadn't been on a date since 1981! It was after my first sexual experience that I went a little crazy for about 6 months. It was like some one turned on a bright light in me. In my own mind I was like a butterfly that had shed the cocoon of her old life, and I imposed no moral structure or boundaries on my new life. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I eventually spun out of control, gave into a suicidal impulse, and ended up in the hospital. I was diagnosed and put on a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant. Now I had to deal with the stigma of suicide, being officially labeled as mentally ill, getting used to a lot of medication, and trying to repair things with my family and my job.

Six years later, I am remarried, unemployed, unmedicated, and miserable. I am at the worst emotional place I have ever been in my whole life. I am absolutely stuck. Tremendous suicidal ideation barrels down on me at times. I have an appointment 9/28 at a mental health clinic, and I have no faith in my ability to effectively communicate my situation nor their ability to really help me. I'm 53, and I wish that God, in His infinite mercy, would just say enough and release me.