Last two and a half months I wasn't feeling so good. It was my second time feeling the lowest I've ever been in my 5 years of battling with depression. And I struggled a lot but eventually made it through. It's week three and i wasn't feeling as unhappy as I did, I wasn't actually feeling unhappy at all, things were going quite well and I was more energetic and motivated at work. Until today when I've realized I had actually made a mistake a week ago.

I was recently passed on the assignment to copy off my coworker who goes out to meet clients, task. I was to copy what he wrote to the client themselves into our data when they come back to the office after meeting them. It's usually their job and they are suppose to do it(I was hired to be a receptionist) but being this is a small company I work for and one of those coworkers is related to my boss, he orders me to do stuff out of my field and department and even orders me to do the things he is suppose to. At one point when My plate was too full I had expressed to him that i am sligthly struggling to do all these within a day because I was handling four to five cases already that were waiting for me to get back to them. he told me to take my time with it but an hour later he asked me "why haven't you called this person?" With a very disapproval and annoyed tone. Which has made me feel bad and felt like I was doing something wrong even though that client wasn't in a rush, it just so happens that it was "his" client that we have to settle his clients problem first to void him from any bad reputation, at least that's what he thinks most of time.

Back to the point, I started doing their job of copying the data they wrote. It was their job in the first place because they were the ones who knew what happened during their meetings with the clients whereas Im in the office all day and don't know a thing they discussed. So today I had realized I wrote the wrong color code into our data when I was copying what my coworkers wrote on their textbook. And It was too late to stop it because the furniture the client wanted us to turn to a different color was already done and actually delivered to the customer. One of the coworkers who meets the clients who is suppose to copy the thing he writes to our data also remarks directly on each furniture piece, but he copied the wrong color I wrote even though the paper I copied off was hand written by him who wrote it two hours ago. He didn't notice the color and so he went ahead with it, and usually my boss relative checks on the things I copy but lately he hasn't been doing it so often nor did he monitor our workshop who gets their hands dirty on the furniture pieces. The furniture was delivered today to the client, (who didn't accept it obviously, I understand how she must've felt and I feel really bad and can't apologize enough.) I am preparing myself hopelessly to face a confrontation with my boss who will keep asking me how did it happen, even after i admit that "I don't know what happened but just that I made this mistake." Followed by apologizes and saying that truthfully I will be more careful. I guess the way my boss reacts to issues like these makes me nervous and anxious because I have gone through one confrontation with him already and he didn't listen to what I had to say. He just kept asking why, and did he do something wrong that resulted a mistake to happen. I don't know what is going to happen but I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack just thinking about how my boss is gonna react and how my coworkers will look me down even further now. My first color mistake happened when I was two months into this job, and I had sincerely said how I would understand if my paycheck is to be cut down due to the material prices, but my boss didn't cut any, but instead held a grudge on the color mistake for the next month which makes me feel worse than getting my paycheck lowered. My mistakes are out shining the sweat and blood I poor into my work everyday and it hurts to know that this is how My colleagues and superiors see me as; a girl whos stupid and forgetful.(i was confronted by my coworker who had told me several times that I am forgetful and that I should write down everything, to help the team out a little.) but I'm not forgetful, it might happen once every week but I know I am not what he puts me as but the words still hurts.

I also would feel better if my company would charge me for the wrong colored material wasted on the furniture, because it wouldn't be a loss in profit and I would, selfishly say, makes me feel so much better. But instead of doing this, I just know my boss and my coworker who handles that client is going to show me attitudes for the next few weeks because of this issue because even just not making a phone call they ordered me to within five minutes after they pass me their contact, results in them giving me an eye roll. Which does not help with my depression and I got my anxiety when I started working here, and I'm slowly finding myself to develope different personalities as time goes. I feel like I'm starting to go insane, my work has started to take over my mood and the way I interact these couple of days. But now I am just so anxious about what is going happen and the look on my boss's face when he tells me off.