Thinking of you! I've been where you are, and I know how painful this is.

My advice - let the suffering you've been through over the past year be your sign. Love yourself enough to know that you deserve to feel good on a daily basis, not in perpetual suffering/pining/longing. Therapy doesn't need to be that way.

Like I've said in prior posts about my own therapy - your 'worst', with respect to losing your T - did happen. The world didn't collapse and you are STILL HERE. What you're feeling now is as bad as it gets, and there's nowhere to go but up.

Hugs!