For those who have been following my threads, you know my T has been on medical leave for the last couple of months. Before she left, she didn't give me the referrals she had promised, which left me without any support (and some really TERRIBLE consultation sessions!) which caused me really question my ability to trust her both on a practical and an emotional level. She also didn't give me any updates during her leave, so I felt pretty adrift, not knowing what was going on with her health or if she would ever be coming back. It was a pretty terrible couple of months!

Well, today, we had a phone session! It felt really good to hear her voice again and to know that she is in one piece. At the moment, she said she is doing fine physically and has recovered from the episode she had a couple of months ago. Once I knew that her health was okay (at least for now), I was able to FINALLY tell her how I have been feeling. I was honest and I told her (gently and politely) how it made me feel when she didn't give me the referrals and didn't check in as promised to fill me in on what was going on. It was really good to just get all of that off my chest, and let her know that I was questioning whether she really cared about me and whether I could trust her from here on out. She admitted that she had dropped the ball, but said that she didn't want that to be an indication that she doesn't care. She told me that she does want to be a part of my life, now as my therapist and, if that changes (due to her illness or my moving), then she still wants to stay in touch. She said she still wants to be there for my important moments in the future, like when I get married or have children-- she literally said "I want to hold your babies!" So, after talking to her, it is clear that she just kind of retreated into her own space when she found out she was having health issues. I knew that but, at the same time, it still hurt when she didn't follow through to make sure I had some support in place while she was gone. One phone conversation isn't enough to process everything, but it did help to hear her say that she still cares and she is coming back to continue working with me. In all honesty, I probably won't trust her to follow through in the future because-- time and time again-- she hasn't come through (it was a problem before the health issues started). But I could feel her warmth and caring through the phone, and that counted for something. It felt like I was finally talking to my old T again. She is DEFINITELY better on the phone and in person than she is via e-mail. When she talks, her emotion comes through and it's nice to hear that. I really love her and value our relationship, and I want to move forward. I will continue to work through this with her, but I don't want to dwell on it either. I'm confident that our relationship is still well enough in tact, and we can smooth over the rough patches. I can't want to see her in person next week, see her facial expressions as we talk, and give her a big hug! If it were appropriate, I'd probably lift her off the ground and spin her around! But, I suppose a normal hug will suffice!