So glad I'm not the only one trying to hack at it like this!

I left day treatment back in 2014 and once I left I really pulled out all the stops to do what I could to stop binging (and purging- it was the binging which upset me the most though as it costed me money/put me in debt, created a huge mess emotionally as well as practically and just made me feel disgusted with myself and wanting to or needing to restrict the next day in utter terror at anything that I might not have gotten rid of).

I was on about 5 days a week when I left- having not managed more than one day a month for 3 months before leaving treatment (it was treatment for anorexia; I couldn't do gaining weight AND stopping purging because I felt so awful for eating during the day- something I'd strived hard to not do for a while. We'd be send home in the afternoon after a day of eating and I'd do the gym them go home and x,y,z...I only managed to curb that the final 3 months and it was because I had a few days off to reintegrate myself back to daily life which were days I did not eat or ate less than I would have done had I been in treatment, so cutting the bulimia was easier to hack those days- not easy, but easier.) but things got bad- my mood got bad and after about 3 or 4 months it dropped to 2-3 days a week, then by a year later I was struggling to get 1 day a week.

The last 2 weeks I've some how managed 4 straight days over a weekend twice! (a double huge deal because weekends are a huge problem for me; free time, nothing to do/no one to see and no motivation to do anything anyway) but going on my past experience, I'm so scared I'm going to lose what I have.

I get to Monday (after 4 days) and look at my weight (I can't not do this) and it always *ALWAYS* jumps by at least a kilo and a half (I think this is the same as 3-4 pounds?) though today it was 2 kilos (nearly 5 pounds...) It normally jumps day one then drops day 2, goes up a fraction day 3, but day 4 it just leaps and I can't justify keeping anything down. I feel disgusted, all I see is fat, all I feel is fat and somehow it makes sense to binge as well as purge. I'm not sure how to get my head around this.

I did stop bulimia twice before- the first time when in hospital my weight went up so fast I was accused by the staff as binging whilst in hospital! (I was not!!) The second time I recovered alone but again, my weight rocketed- I was so naïve back then, just kept telling myself if I eat healthily and "normally" and exercised well I could maintain a weight I wanted to (well within the lower end of the healthy BMI range was fine by me and what I was aiming to stick to at the time) and just ate proper clean food but cut the simple carbs and refined stuff (protein rich, no dressings, sauces or bread or pasta or rice, no sugar, junk food, no crisps, nothing that I couldn't understand the ingredients or how it was made or if I couldn't make it myself it wasn't allowed....etc) and ate fresh fruit and steamed veg, everything was calorie counted to be less than the advised "norm" for the average woman to be on the same side and I took up the gym big time. Every single day I was there doing cardo, yoga, the odd spinning and circuit class...but my weight was still going up and up and The more my weight went up, the more I exercised, keeping my food the same, walking loads, starving hungry all the time and going crazy.
I then cut out foods again and my weight went down- only cutting back to just over half of what I had been eating back when I started was too much and I relapsed...to bulimia and anorexia. I had by then cut back on the gym the same time I cut out food types one by one, oddly despite the thousands of calories my heart rate monitor was telling me I was no longer burning (because I was not physically able to) I was losing weight and going on the pinch-an-inch mentality, I do not think it was only muscle I was losing- I still do not understand this even today looking back at it. I exercise less, I lose weight? How the h*ll does that work??!

So as you may imagine, I'm pretty scared each time my weight jumps that it wont go back down again, I know for sure that bulimia makes my weight go down, if it would just stabilise with what I am eating (1200) it would be fine but I seem to be gaining despite being in a healthy range -there is no need for it to jump like this!

Has anyone else who has issues with anorexia gotten around this? Or am I the only one with a weight which seems to want to be as high as it can possibly be as soon as it can possibly be?

I am just fed up with living like this- I actually get past day 4 and although I am hungry and tired and feel physically drained, I could do another day...if my weight had just not jumped so high! I even thought this week if I look at the scales, I could manage 0.1-0.3 as a gain, it wouldn't be easy but I could hack it. But it was as if someone was looking down at me and laughing in my face, "0.3? HA! I'll show you 0.3- here's 2.3!!) I totally spent the entire day wanting to tear my skin away so I could scrape off my own body fat. Every glass that reflected me I saw fat, my shadow looks fat, I just feel horrible. And not looking at the scales is not an option- I know I'll just imagine and fear the worst if I don't look because that is what I have done before and it ends up with a "I can't cope" last minute dash to the shops somewhere around midnight. Worse than a planned shop because I tend to spend more and am less likely to sleep.