Quote:
Originally Posted by Partless
I'm in my mid-30s, due to severe depression and trauma most recently, spent over a decade of my life alone, often suffering tremendously. I did relate with my parents, my on and off abusive mother, with whom I've had a long complex relationship, and my rather distant father, with whom I've had a more unemotional relationship. During this time I broke relation with a couple of "friends", my only friends really but just college friends, we did not speak about personal things. SO I posted online or just spent time by myself.
I've had enough therapy and meds to help me come up to breathe from the hellhole of neurosis, but I don't know where to go from here. I don't have a job and would like to be able to start doing something on the side, or maybe take a course (I went to college many years ago and still have intelligence, I hope, to take a short couple year long program).
But I have great difficulty trusting people, and on top of that I'm very shy (blush at almost anything) and introverted person, so having been away for such a long time scares me. I keep fearing running to people I know and feel absolute humiliation as I start to perspire and explain what's been happening with me. I don't know how to integrate.
Yet to stay alone for much longer is too painful. Though shy, I've enjoyed good relationships, supportive ones, especially when there was a match between us emotionally and personality wise. But I'm so rusty. The whole thing feels overwhelming. I keep imagining people asking me questions and thinking I'm crazy.
Have you been in a similar situation or have you met anybody who had been away for a very long time and tried to reintegrate into society or your close circle of friends? How did you feel towards this person? Or how were you treated by others, if you've been in this situation. I really really appreciate any constructive help and suggestion. I'm scared but I know there is a way.
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The ability to trust another person, obviously, starts with the parents. If as a child you couldn't trust them or they weren't there to support you emotionally, or hurt you in some ways, you begin to feel as though no one can be trusted. Once you look at someone with a fresh set of eyes, giving them a clean slate so to speak, you can begin to open up in little ways, a little at a time. You need to let them show you they can be trusted. Basically, take a leap of faith at some point. Just take the leap. Get to know them, who they are, what their history is, etc.
I keep
imagining people asking me questions and
thinking I'm crazy. -- You are living in your own head and keeping yourself weighed down by your own negative thinking. You're not crazy, are you?
No. You've struggled with some things, just like everyone else. Sure, maybe, you had a little bit more of a difficult time than some people, but, you're still here of sound mind and seeking to re-integrate. Everyone has struggles.
Take some time to focus on your positive attributes and work to bring them out more. Take a look at the things you don't like about yourself and your life. Work on one of those things for a bit. Once you start enhancing the positives and whittling down on the things you aren't happy with, you will start feeling more balanced and in control, confident, etc.
It's a process, not an event. Be patient and kind to yourself.