You're right, I'm worth it. I have been thinking about this very topic for the latter part of last night. All of my friends that I have who I open up to are damaged to some extent. Everybody who I let in my inner circle has some kind of mental illness or has experienced some kind of trauma that makes it hard for them to make friends, live normal lives, or trust people. I'm starting to see that I seek these kinds of people because I find them easier to relate to and trust and I think that somebody who is damaged like me and doesn't have many friends would cherish and value me more than somebody who is completely healthy and be less likely to abandon me later down the road because I'm like them and I understand them and they wouldn't have anybody else to turn to if they did abandon me.

Also, I have an easier time sharing some of my feelings with my male friends. While I'm not the kind of person who likes to talk about every thing that bothers me or get into deep mushy talks all of the time, I have shared some feelings with my closest male friends. I do talk about the pain that I'm in around them sometimes and I often express resentment towards the mental health system and my family for all of the times they hurt me, but that's the closest to talking about my feelings that I would ever get with a friend. I truly have a much harder time trusting women and my relations with that female BPD friend likely is suffering because of that. I think it's likely me more than her.

Finally, there is a rational explanation as to why I want to change my number. I'm desperate for money right now so I'm considering scavenging all of my more expensive electronics to sell including my smartphone. I need to get my eBay seller account fully established for me to make decent money off my reselling that I'm doing since my old one was banned over something trivial. Since I can't wait another few months or more to build a new account past the 90 day period to be able to sell my products unrestricted, I plan on purchasing a pre built account that already has a selling history so I can make the money that I want now.

Until I fix my own problems and get myself fully established, I'm not going to be friend material for anybody. As a result, I established a 3 week no contact with all but that one friend who actually cares enough to come see me. I need to get myself stable financially now or else my mental state will continue to worsen. If I continue at the rate that I'm going, I will likely do something stupid and hurt myself further; I always do when I'm hurting the most.