I am not sure where to post this—I guess everything that fits into several categories ends up in general…so, here it is.

I have struggled with depression since I was a kid—my first suicide attempt was at age 11. This last bout of depression has been with me since 1999. A few months ago the depression broke and I felt rather neutral—not happy, not sad, just not depressed. Now, for the first time since 1999, I can honestly say I am having glimpses of happiness. What a strange feeling.

I have been sober for over a year and half—I feel good about my sobriety and have not had an urge to drink in a long time.

My eating patterns are good and my weight has remained stable.

No self harming behavior in months.

I am making real progress in therapy and it is not bringing me down or causing me to disassociate.

My work situation is improving, I am getting work done around the house, my art is going good, my finances are getting better…etc. The only real stressor I have right now is that my relationship with my partner is falling apart, but that has been ongoing for a year.

Although all this good is happening to me, I feel like I am in a very delicate stage. Like anything could tip the scales back into the depression or I could pick up and drink tomorrow. Anything could happen and I would be right back in the hole again. I feel like I am walking on eggshells.

My biggest concern at the moment is that I am getting triggered by posts here at PC. Although I am really feeling the best I have in years, I am still having problems reading other people’s stories without putting myself in their shoes and feeling what I think they should be feeling. Or really, its more like the emotions I have had in the past all come flooding back. That’s tough because there are some very difficult stories here at PC. It is also tough because I want to be supportive to others. Sometimes I read a post and I just can’t write because I feel overwhelmed by emotions. Then I feel guilty that I don’t write anything or can’t really express what I want to say. It is frustrating.

So, here I am, ready to end this post, but I am not sure how to do it. I am not sure what the point of this post really is…I guess if I was to sum it all up I’d say that I feel good, my life is getting better, but I am struggling with posting here at PC and I have an overwhelming need to let you all know what is going on with me.

Does anybody else ever have these feelings?

Thanks for listening.
DePressMe