for years i stuggled with knowing something in my life wasn't quite right...my mom had been abused and said my life was perfect...i just didn't feel it was...when i was a teenager i was in therapy...but i could never bring myself to really talk...i used to go to the library and check out books on child abuse...i wasn't being abused, was i?...

my mom was right in a lot of ways...my life was pretty perfect...my parents loved me...they always went to my piano recitals and school plays...we had nice things...lots of wonderful memories!!!!

but there were also not so nice memories....calling me names, saying i love you but i don't like you, ridiculing my weight, always comparing me to others...why couldn't i be more social like my cousin...why didn't i bring home all A's on my report card like X's boys...

i'm 32 and i think i can finally say that my mom emotionally abused me.

when i OD at 19 and was hospitalized...my dad told her either to go into therapy or else...so she did...eventually she began taking zoloft. when she'd go off the medication - which we've all done from time to time - that's when i finally was able to see the difference...the stark contrast...between my mom and my abusive mom...

in addition to her depression - she eventually came to terms with the fact that she is an alcoholic - something i wondered about for years...but wasn't sure...she was a functioning person with a job...not what i thought of as an alcholic...i know better now...

i'm wondering if any one else struggles with loving the person who abused them? how do you reconcile the two...the abusive and loving...

i LOVE my mom and i KNOW she loves me!!! she has admitted to saying hurtful things and apologized!! my relationship with her is fairly good...i'm not as close to her as i could be...because she's hurt me...but i do love her immensely!!

how do i allow myself to be angry...to accept that what happened was wrong...i'm immensely scarred by the words my mother threw at me...at the same time, she took such good care of me...she volunteered at my schools, she made my halloween costumes, she chaperoned field trips, she was my brownie troop leader, she made my birthdays special, i could go on and on and on.

i don't know...i just feel like there is something that i'm missing...my mom emotionally abused me...she has apologized...we love each other dearly...but...???

Sorry for rambling on...it's just been on my mind...