Quote:
Originally Posted by Macd123
Thanks everything is just so dark inside - I've been alone since day one. After all these years I still don't know how to connect - to get close to anyone terrifies me. And yes I've done therapy and medication. I've never really openly shared, except with a therapist, how distant and abnormal I feel. Like I said the thought of having a relationship and having someone in my personal space doesn't seem feasible. I feel like a three year old and I'm waaaaaaayyyyyy past that. I always felt like everyone else has had somebody in their lives and it sucks. I don't believe in a deity so WOW. I just feel like if I told anyone about my social history they'd run so fast I'd just feel their wind.
Pass the mashed potatoes please.
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I can relate to this intensely.
For years I actually didn't care - I willingly ignored people, pushed people away, isolated myself. I almost don't know how to do anything else regarding people. A few times I've wondered if I'm schizoid or something...
But I get lonely. A couple of years ago I integrated myself into an online community and made several friends somehow, even had a disaster of a sort-of-relationship. The more time goes by, the more I realize how lonely I am. I wish I could be open, be expressive, be engaging, to actually be able to interact and not feel like I'm being drained of life, or even just feel incompetent and dull. But all I know how to do is put up barriers. Online is different - I have almost no barriers. Yet IRL everything's different, I have no idea how to connect and on some level, the thought scares me. I'm tired by the presence of others, yet the idea of being totally alone forever frightens me.
Sorry to go on and on, but I think I know how you feel.