(((((((((( gostryter )))))))))))))
im so sorry for what you had to go through. im physically abused by my father...and when he is sober he is everything i want for a father. but when he drinks he turns into a monster. so i know how you feel with the difference. i dont really have any advice (im trying to find some myself) but i can tell you that we age in years but we mature in moments. good or bad moments, it doesnt matter. you become stronger, and more self aware through each episode. and a damaged past is a healed future. so whenever you have these things on your mind, remember that you are here now, you are you and no amount of emotional abuse or anything else can change that.
take care