Yesterday I told my therapist that I'm just passively doing what other people want me to do right now because it is easier. Since we've spent 9 1/2 years working on NOT doing that he was pretty specific that I need to stop that now. He was very gentle due to my current state but also very clear on that point (if I weren't so depressed he would have been really firm about it).

Today I went to the county fair with my mom, just to look around and eat junk food. (She keeps trying to feed me anything and everything because I'm not hungry and have lost 15 lbs in the last few months.) And I didn't do it because it was too hard to say no. I did it because I'm doing anything that people offer hoping that something will be the thing that makes me feel better or feel something, anything.

Last night I was up until 4:30 b/c I was realizing how hard I'm trying and even avoiding admitting some of the symptoms (like the weight loss, I said 5 lbs the other day even though I know that's wrong) and I'm not being specific enough with how much I do not want to wake up every morning and a list of other things that I've not been clear about with my drs. I'm not sure my pdoc even knows about some of the psychotic stuff; I think I was so involved with something else when I should have told her that I never did. And I know better. Especially with my disability renewal paperwork probably sitting on her desk.

So I'm avoiding a bunch of things but I'm not being as passive as I thought. And I am praying for sleep tonight because I am tired. I just want to sleep and not being able to is not a funny trick.

Mostly though I remain just so very, very sad. We've been on a quest to find stuff online that makes me laugh. So far after a week of dedicating time to this I have laughed once. Everything seems so distant and unhappy. But not passive. My therapist better be thrilled.