Dear T,
I have to tell you something but I don't know how....

I'm really upset with you right now.
I have to take responsibility for leaving the room so L could say what he wanted. I did.it without thinking. I was trying to be the supportive Mom. However, you are my T and I should not have given up any part of my session.
I found out after that you told him your door is open if he decides he wants to enter therapy.
Shouldn't you have discussed that with me before you extended the offer? Do I have no say so?
I thought you are suppose to be on my side? You didn't defend me when he said I wasn't a good Mom to J. That's not fair. You were judgmental of me. I suppose when I'm not sitting across from you, you are more truthful about what you think of me. When the idea of me being primed for days I had something to do, I was referring to leaving the house and you knew that's what I was referring to. Yes, when I don't have to go anywhere, I don't put on a full face of makeup and I usually wear Yoga pants, leggings, or pajama bottoms with a short or long sleeve t-shirt. Why is that so horrible? How does that make me a bad Mom. Do I need to have full makeup, every hair in place, and heels and pearls to be a good Mom? You let him twist my words into something I never meant? I suppose you don't look any less put together when your home for the day than you do in session.
I keep cycling back to you offering to be his therapist. That's total bull crap. You were sitting in the same chair and I was across from you and you heard me tell T that I wouldn't do Marriage Counseling with you because that would make you his patient too and I did not want to share you. Then, you go and extend the offer to L? Total BS!
Ya know, I have never heard you express negative opinions of me....I turn my back for just a moment and suddenly, I'm a bad Mom?

I've struggled with trusting you for 3 & 1/2 years now. Everytime I try to bring myself to trusting you more, something happens. How am I suppose to tell you how panicked I am all the time. How am I suppose to trust you enough to open up to you about my CSA? There's no way I can tell you about that now. I've NEVER mentioned it to anyone, though I am pretty sure K knew.
Then, you ignore all my angry notes I left for you. I think you like to pretend you never saw them becasue you don't want to address them. There's always an excuse. You obviously can't handle my darkness.

I think I'm about done with therapy. Most of the time you tried to make it seem like you cared for me a little. I should have known better....as I said in one of the notes I wrote you that you will claim the dog broke into your Evernote and ate my note. I am just a name on your schedule. I'm betting that if you removed my name from your shedule, you'd forget you ever knew me in just a few weeks!!!

More than anything, I'm brokenhearted! !! I wanted to believe in you. I really care about you. No, that's not enough. I love you and I feel like you stomped on me. I took comfort in imagining little scenarios where you'd comfort me....you'd let me be......
Now those daydreams offer no comfort because it was all a big lie for you and there isn't anything special about me except that once again, it's been proven that I am .....i'm never going to be worthy....Never