Yeah, the disappointment is tough. I also hate disappointing people when I can't do things. Thursday I'm supposed to go to dinner with my mom and her friend. I also have therapy and a regular dr appointment that day plus 2.5 hours of driving. I strongly suspect that I'm going to be bowing out of that dinner which makes me feel bad. My therapist says not to feel guilty, to do what is healthy and to blame him for saying I shouldn't do things if I need an excuse. My mom doesn't like him much anyway since he had me drag her in to explain that suicidal Jen is dangerous to herself etc., which she didn't want to believe. Thursday I have a feeling that the dr is going to be "running late" and I'll be too tired to go out. They'll have fun without me. It's fine but I feel bad.

I fortunately don't have people saying much of that stuff anymore. My mom used to be the worst but now that I live next door she's seen a lot more what I live with and understands better. Not that she isn't saying those things to other people when talking about me but at least I don't hear them. I avoid a lot of situations where people might say things like that because I can't take it; I say those things to myself plenty.

My mom and I are at a strange place because I don't want to explain what I want to do for treatment (ECT or going on Clozaril without waiting to fail other meds) and freak her out too much before she is leaving for vacation. I know ECT would terrify her and so I'm avoiding that discussion until I know if I can even do it (or if my pdoc will let me jump to clozaril). Either one requires a hospitalization that will be fairly long (ECT longer than coming off Seroquel and getting on clozaril) and ECT will mean I need help getting to treatments after I leave the hospital. So these things will affect her but she just doesn't need to know and worry until I've seen my pdoc. 5 more days.