BPD checking in. Awful day for many reasons. Sick physically and it affects me emotionally; a lot of anger and frustration. Got worse when I decided to read out to my mom what it means being a "borderline", living in hell eternal, a storm of emotions with no idea what will come next and what should come next. Have read something that really hit me right where it hurts: a "borderline" will pour his heart out once getting into a relationship, and then when the rush of the first several days runs out, and the partner in the relationship will not message the "borderline" constantly, they will get depressed and anxious asking themselves whether the significant other still has feelings for them; they will also often be full of empathy - and expect a lot more empathy from the other... And that's when it hit me like a wrecking ball straight to the chest: I'm just not built for relationships. On top of every thing else that kills my self esteem, this just added to it. Other than that, life is okay. Taking small steps towards change. And that's it for today.

BPD checking out.