Thank you all for taking the time to listen and respond. The encouragement is much appreciated and the different perspectives are exactly what I needed.

I guess because the issues I’ve dealt with in the past year are seemingly minor compared to those that have preceded my other depression episodes, I have discounted them altogether. I do miss my husband terribly. It’s awful to finally find that best friend and life partner and never be able to spend any time together. The doc did explain the chemical imbalance part (which I already knew) but I still wanted something to blame. Everyday life (job stress, etc.) just didn’t seem to be enough … for me right now, apparently it is. I just need to accept that and move onto the solution & recovery.

J, you are right about the relationship. I finally have a partner who truly understands and sharing the burdens and bumps in life. I’ve worked ever since I was 14 because I never had a choice. I guess some of the guilt could also be my pride getting in the way. I would absolutely have my husbands support with his family. His father was really my biggest concern. He’s a great guy but has a very strict work ethic. I love & respect my father-in-law a lot. Right now I have his respect and don’t want to lose that because of what I’m going through. I guess I’m afraid he’ll see me as being lazy if I don’t work for a little while. But you are right – if my husband is not worried about it (and he isn’t) then I should do what’s best for us and we’ll deal with that if it happens.

I do have family close by that I can lean on. It will be my responsibility for meds but I am close enough to my mother, father and niece that I think I could rely on them to put me on the spot if I start sinking lower. I also have a one friend that has dealt with depression & bipolar disorder. He’s away at state patrolman school during the week right now but I talked to him last night and I know he’ll be checking on me every weekend now.

My doc wants me to get more exercise and improve my diet and I’ve been doing a lot of reading these last couple of days about short & long term goal setting when dealing with depression. I’d definitely have to set a schedule and daily goals for myself and I also thought about maybe a little volunteer work – PTO stuff at my daughter’s school or the local humane society… something to motivate me out of the house.

I’ll give the FMLA a little more thought & consideration. At my previous company I wouldn’t have given it much thought because I was just one of over 1000 employees … now I’m one of 20. I’m sure my embarrassment over my situation also has little to do with my reluctance there. I know that my logic is not where it needs to be. I called in with a sick headache Thursday and told them I was going to the doc. Yesterday, I was so scared to sign onto work that my heart was pounding. My concentration level and memory are very poor right now and I feel like a stammering idiot every time I have to talk to them on the phone. They know nothing about what’s going on yet but I’m so paranoid about being put on the spot about my work performance before I’ve figured out what I’m going to do.

I’m spending some more time with our finances this weekend. Hopefully my husband will be home Tuesday or Wednesday and we can finalize what direction we’re going to take. I hate this limbo I’m in right now and just want to get things moving in whatever direction we’re going in…

Thanks again for all your kinds words and advice. It’s nice to know that I have somewhere to go that people really understand how hard this is to deal with. I cannot express how much that means right now.

Good luck to all of you in whatever you may be dealing with in your lives.