Quote:
Originally Posted by Wanderlust90
Faerie moon I'm fairly sure I've only really experienced dysphoric hypomania also, I may have been euphoric hypomanic but if I was my insight was impaired enough that I didn't recognise it. I could go back over everything in my past keeping in mind the symptoms of hypomania but I feel like I'm just making excuses for silly behaviour in the past, usually substance induced.
The whole bipolar spectrum is new to me, I swear when I was training to be a nurse some 7 years ago there was no such thing as bipolar 2? At least it wasn't taught at university. So I'm finding it very hard to accept the label & all of the variations in symptom expression. I do feel like it's more than just depression though.
What do your mixed states & dysphoric hypomania feel like Faerie moon?
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Well for me my primary mania symptom is racing thoughts followed by pressured speech. I also have the whole grandiose ideas thing. Honestly, the racing thoughts never go away, even in depression. They just slow down a little bit and become more inwardly negative rather than outwardly negative. Negative thoughts are a big issue.
This is basically what I've noticed happening:
1) I start to get very annoyed and irritable with everything around me. I don't have pure insomnia but it's harder for me to go to sleep, I feel less tired. This makes things worse.
2) My irritation starts to turn into anger. My thoughts are speeding up and it's hard to think.
3) I start complaining and ranting about things, really getting on my soapbox and vocal the more my pressured speech ramps up and I become more grandiose.
4) I start having a lot of intrusive thoughts, mostly of violence. This with the racing thoughts increases my irritability further.
5) I start having "the whole world is against me" outlook. I start really focusing on paranoid thoughts and negative things happening.
6) I get very restless, my ability to focus on most things drops to 0, except I zero in on one thing and hyper focus on it. It gets harder and harder to do things like read, dial phone numbers, or hold a conversation.
7) It feels like my bones are trying to crawl out of my skin. I start having more anxiety, too. I have trouble eating or sleeping.
8) Finally I explode, like a volcano. This is often caused by a trigger, even a minor one. At this point I don't even really feel like I"m in my body, just kind of observing it from the outside. Yelling, screaming, crying, throwing things... no it's not pretty at all, and it's actually really scary and I hate it.
9) After the exploding it's like a pressure valve released. I usually feel better mood wise, but I feel extremely sick physically. My therapist has recognized that it is possibly adrenaline toxicity. It feels like someone was shaking me really hard. My muscles are sore and I have nausea and fatigue.
From what I've observed, my longer cycles are more likely to end in an explosion. Or, if I'm cycling faster, I'm more likely to explode the next time I switch from depression to mania. My last explosion I went to the hospital but they turned me away because I'm not in the "system." I've been doing this by myself for a long time.
